Suddenly I’m split into two distinct parts. On one side we have the spark, the crackle, the blaze. On the other is the smolder, the fade, the char. Now I realize these parts are split neatly into things I anticipate and things I dread. When I wake up in the morning I drive in from the mountains blasting Black Flag and chugging coffee. When I return home in the evening something has settled and I go on a very long walk through Vivian Park while my mind slowly reels. The fear of change and the desire for change coalesce in my veins becoming a river of toxic apathy. Work birthday parties have become the most depressing things ever and it’s not even my birthday so I can say that with confidence. There are few things that have done as much harm to humanity as fire, and few things that have done as much good. I call my brother and tell him this. I decide not to call Susan. I will be here for another year I say to myself as I gather my things and walk slowly back to the truck.
